Jul 20, 2011

3 Classics... 1 Post

I gotta apologize for taking 2 days off. Long hours of work in the Satan's weather has taken it's toll on me. About the only thing I wanna do after a 12 hour day in the sun is take a cold shower, drink ridiculous amounts of gatorade, eat 9 bowls of cookie crisp, and catch up on Sportscenter. Tonight I'm attempting to make up for my 2 day absence with 3 classic stories from my ever-adventurous life.

I call this first story, "Saturday Mornings"

Outside of the occasional church service project I can think of 3 things that would drag me out of bed before 9am on a Saturday morning. They're all convienantly intertwined... Shooting, hunting, and hiking. So about a year ago when I found myself in the parking lot of Wal-Mart, slightly delirious, at 7am, for a reason that WASN'T one of those 3.... I was naturally in a bad mood.

As I left Wal-Mart with a few items, my eyes still half open, I spotted a 50 something year old man exiting his stereotypical Buick. I didn't make much of his "angry old man" demeanor as I made the short journey to my truck. I quickly threw my purchases in the bed, and without giving it a second thought, I placed my shopping cart smack in the middle of the empty space next to me.

I had not even turned around when I made eye contact with that same angry Buick owner. He stopped dead in his tracks and while extending his arms towards my "misplaced" cart in a rather violent "I can't believe you just did that" motion, he looked me square in the eyes and said, "What, you can't put the cart back in the bin?!" Ladies and gentleman I don't know what to blame for my response, but If I had to choose something I'd say it was the mere fact that I was awake at 7am on a Saturday and I wasn't on my way to shoot something. The man had scarcely uttered the word "bin" when out of my mouth shot 2 words, spoken very clearly, with a very subtle pause between them...... "WHAT... FAG!!"

I don't believe I've ever seen a more frustrated and confused look on another human beings face in my entire life. "What, you can't put the cart back in the bin?!" "WHAT... FAG!" We stared awkwardly at each other for what seemed like 5 seconds before he made a classic "you're ridiculous" gesture. You know... that gesture that sports coaches make when they've exhausted themselves arguing a call and then, as they turn to walk away, they throw both hands simultaneously towards the official like they're shoving a midget. Well that's what he did!

Moments later I sat in my truck and replayed the previous 30 sconds of my life. I shook my head and then BURST INTO LAUGHTER! All I could think was, "Dang, I'm a grumpy dude on Saturday mornings!"

I call this second story "Lessons Learned," and it takes place on a not-so-surprisingly warm April afternoon in Glendale. I was at track practice, participating in a very light long jumping work-out, preparing for regionals. The distance runners were "relaxing" by their standards, running 400 meter reapeats. After a little while I noticed some of the distance runners had taken their shirts off. This was fairly common practice for them, and never caused much of an issue because their work outs usually didn't take place on campus.

Well I decided that even though my work out was light, the temperature was hot enough, and the "atmosphere" of practice was relaxing enough that I'd take my shirt off too. So I did. Not only 5 minutes later coach Sample walked out onto the track. He obviously noticed something "diferent" because he immediately approached me inquiring as to why my shirt was off. He wasn't mean about it and in fact was almost laughing.

So anyways, just as I was about to answer his question with something totally predicatable like, "It's so hot outside" or "I can't stand this heat" I noticed the distance team had just finished another 400 and were standing nearby. So I quickly changed my excuse, and as I pointed at the crowd of distance runners I said to coach, "Why can't I have my shirt off?! All the girls on the distance team are runnin around in nothin but their shorts and training bras!?"

I thought nothing of my comment. To the best of my knowledge I was ponting out the facts. Within seconds I had nearly ever girl on the distance team screaming things at me like, "Oh ya real funny Scott" and "Ha ha-- SHUT-UP SCOTT!" I remained confused as laughter broke out all around me. I swear on my life it wasn't until 2 or 3 days later, when the story was being re-told by a close friend, that my mistake was brought to my attention. You see I never knew there was a difference between a "training bra" and a "sports bra." I honestly had no clue. I had innocently assumed that because the girls were "training" in them that they were called training bra's. I suppose that's my bad... sorry ladies!

This third story is short, sweet, and "tasty" in it's own right. I call it "Wow, really!" Over a decade ago McDonalds went through a phase where their "large" choclate shake was as big as you could get. They did away with the extra large. If I recall correctly, the large was something around 20 oz. I should know because I spend my fair share of money at McDonalds!

So one night while I was out with my friend Jen, I developed a serious jones for a chocolate shake! I asked her to swing into the nearest McDonalds drive thru. I must have been going through "withdrawls" because I asked her to order me 3 large chocolate shakes! She did so with a look on her face like, "You gonna drink all those buddy?" "My response was something like, the larges aren't even that big, they didn away with the extra large!" Now before I go any further, you have to understand that I had polished off 2 large shakes plenty of times, so I really didn't think much about ordering 3. That is, until they handed them to us through the window.

Lo and behold, McDonalds had not only re-introduced the extra-large chocolate shake, but they had misheard our order, and thus I found myself with 3... count em... 3 large chocolate shakes in my lap! I was suddenly faced with a "tasty" little challenge, and instictively decided that I was not going to let the shakes win! I was going to down all 96 ounces of McDonalds artificial goodness!

I finished the first one in what must have been record time. I drank the second much slower while chit-chatting with Jen's parents back at her house. I began sipping the third, and final shake while laying flat on my back in the rear seat of her car while she drove me home. The third shake had severely melted at this point, and even by my own alter-picky standards, had lost it's flavor!

Nevertheless... I kept on sipping. Notice I did not say chugging, for if I chosen to do anything but sip at that point I would've ralphed all over the back seat of her car! Alas though, only blocks from my home, I downed the remaining few ounces in one giant gulp! Predictably I was a little slow getting out of her car, and spent much of the next few hours laying on my bed re-evaluating my love of chocolate shakes.

So there you have it... 3 classics! See you tomorrow!

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