Before I was married I would tell people how my nieces and nephews would say the funniest things. Then I'd try to think of things they had said and would draw a blank. Now that I'm married, and have the privelage of being around Tucker and Grace on a daily basis, I can honestly say that much like my nieces and nephews, they say the FUNNIEST things.
The difference is now I immediately pull out my phone and text myself their verbal comedy.
While both Tucker and Grace make me laugh, Tucker tends to be the more "random" of the duo, which results in a moment of confusion before bursting into laughter.
So without further adieu, here are some of the things they have said over the past couple weeks. I apologize to those of you who stalk my facebook, because a few of these have been posted recetly.
Let's start with the drama queen herself... Grace Eden!
** GRACE: (While falling asleep in the backseat on a late night drive home) "Momma, how do you tell if you're pregnant?
BONNIE: "Well, Grace, they give you a test."
GRACE: "I bet one of the first questions is, is your tummy getting bigger?"
BONNIE: (Holding in her laughter - I'm already cracking up) "No Grace not that kind of test. They either test your blood or your tinkle"
GRACE: "Oooh, I bet I'd be good at that. I tinkle all the time, even in my sleep!"
** GRACE: "Mom guess what? There's this girl in my class named McKenna and someone's crushin' on her!
BONNIE: (With a dreadfully confused look on her face) "What does that mean?"
GRACE: "Well, like there is a boy in class who writes her anonymous notes that say like, 'you're hot' and stuff."
(Ladies and Gents... She's 8. WHAT?!?!?!)
** GRACE: "Mom I think I can hear the baby eating food inside you."
SHE'S OUR STAR!
Now for the T-man himself... Tucker Cliff! Brace yourself... these are GEMS!
** TUCKER: (As we pulled into the Dairy Queen parking lot) "Hey Scott guess what? Dairy Queen and Burger King are married."
** TUCKER: (As I dropped him off for school on a breezy 82 degree August morning) "It's cold outside. It's almost Winter. It's probably gonna snow soon."
** TUCKER: (While we were all eating out) "Scott must be having a baby too cuz his belly is getting bigger than Mommas!"
** TUCKER: (As we pulled into the Home Depot parking lot and I was flipping through radio stations) "Hey I know who sings that song."
ME: "Who"
TUCKER: "Justin Bieber"
ME: "You like Justin Bieber?"
TUCKER: "Ya"
ME: "He sings like a girl huh?"
TUCKER: "Ya"
ME: "You like guys who sing like girls?"
TUCKER: "Ya"
ME: "That's cool... I guess. But are you just saying yes to everything I say?"
TUCKER: "No!"
** TUCKER: (As he is walking around the garage carrying a saw while I build our ramp) "Hey Scott, wanna know what's free from a tree?"
ME: "What?"
TUCKER: "An Apple. But you can't take the whole tree. That would make Heavenly Father sad."
** TUCKER: (Still while we're building the ramp) "Scott, what else do people build with wood?"
ME: "Lots of stuff. Like houses, and tables."
TUCKER: "Ya, lots of people like building houses for work. No work, no money!"
Me: That's true bud, you're really smart!
** TUCKER: (Just as he found the marker I was looking all over for) "Here is the marker!"
ME: "Oh, awesome, thanks bud. You have really good eye sight!"
TUCKER: "I know, it's because I eat a lot of carrots. I eat so many carrots I can almost see outer space. But not all the way. You have to eat A LOT of carrots to see outer space!"
** TUCKER: (After running around in the front yard and returning to the garage) "I wish I was dark skinned, then I'd be happy."
ME: (Stopping everything I'm doing with a confused look on my face) "What? Why?"
TUCKER: "Then bees won't sting me."
ME: (Even more confused now) "Wait, bees don't sting dark skinned people?"
TUCKER: "Nope, they just like light skin people."
That's the T-man himself!
On April 28th, 2012 I married the sweetest, most BEAUTIFUL woman I have ever met! She means the world to me! She has 2 of the wittiest, fun-filled kids a step-father could ever have the privelage of knowing! TOGETHER WE ARE HAPPY! TOGETHER WE ARE FAMILY!
Sep 12, 2012
May 31, 2012
Who are you when I'm not lookin?
When Bonnie goes to work I'm consistently guilty of 2 things. They're sort of related.
1) I let the kids stay up way too late. Bonnie has the kids in bed around 730 when she's here. On a night that she works however, the scene around the house at 730 is quite different. Take tonight for example. At 730 I was perusing Netflix in search of a nature documentary I HAVEN'T seen yet, Grace was playing with her dolls in her room, and Tucker was abusing the strings on his out of tune guitar while belting out random lyrics like, "Oh what a special day! Special day! Special daaaaaaaaaaaaay! Because one plus one thousand plus one million is a special daaaaaaaaaaay!" Feel free to be as confused as I am.
2) I don't pay enough attention to what the kids are doing. I will probably be guilty of this for years to come. I feel like this habit developed way back in my teenage years when a few brave mom's in my home ward would ask me to babysit their kids. As long as it didn't sound like they were fighting I would give them the benefit of the doubt that they were NOT doing anything wrong. Probably every mom reading this right now is shaking their head saying, "No... NO Scott! When they're too quiet you KNOW they're doing something wrong!" This has turned out to be true in more than one babysitting experience. I remember one occasion, while babysitting 2 boys that I told them both to go play quietly upstairs. Eventually the older one fell asleep in his room on his own, but the younger one was happily playing with an unhealthy collection of Barbie Dolls on the stairs. To this day I'm trying to figure out why a home with two boys possessed ANY, much less, multiple Barbies?!?!
Ok, so maybe a boy playing with Barbie's didn't really illustrate my point, but I guess what I'm trying to say is when it's "too quiet" it MIGHT be a bad thing. However, it might NOT be a bad thing either.
For instance... tonight, while I piddled away with a couple different games on my phone the kids played quietly in their rooms. By quiet I mean you could've heard a mouse pee on cotton. I thought to myself a couple times, "I should probably go check on them," but brick breaker was getting intense. Eventually I wandered back towards their rooms just in time to see Grace putting Bonnie's camera back on her shelf. The following conversation ensued:
Me: Grace what were you doing with Mom's Camera?
Grace: Taking pictures
Me: Oh really, that sounds like fun
Tucker (Who appears out of nowhere laughing hysterically): It was lots of fun! We took some good ones!
Me: I'll bet you did, I think it's time for bed.
Well ladies and gentleman... I present to you 10 reasons why you should NOT investigate when it's "too quiet." Rather... just keep doing what you're doing and if your kids are anything like Grace and Tucker you might end up with some gems like these... Enjoy...
I rest my case...
1) I let the kids stay up way too late. Bonnie has the kids in bed around 730 when she's here. On a night that she works however, the scene around the house at 730 is quite different. Take tonight for example. At 730 I was perusing Netflix in search of a nature documentary I HAVEN'T seen yet, Grace was playing with her dolls in her room, and Tucker was abusing the strings on his out of tune guitar while belting out random lyrics like, "Oh what a special day! Special day! Special daaaaaaaaaaaaay! Because one plus one thousand plus one million is a special daaaaaaaaaaay!" Feel free to be as confused as I am.
2) I don't pay enough attention to what the kids are doing. I will probably be guilty of this for years to come. I feel like this habit developed way back in my teenage years when a few brave mom's in my home ward would ask me to babysit their kids. As long as it didn't sound like they were fighting I would give them the benefit of the doubt that they were NOT doing anything wrong. Probably every mom reading this right now is shaking their head saying, "No... NO Scott! When they're too quiet you KNOW they're doing something wrong!" This has turned out to be true in more than one babysitting experience. I remember one occasion, while babysitting 2 boys that I told them both to go play quietly upstairs. Eventually the older one fell asleep in his room on his own, but the younger one was happily playing with an unhealthy collection of Barbie Dolls on the stairs. To this day I'm trying to figure out why a home with two boys possessed ANY, much less, multiple Barbies?!?!
Ok, so maybe a boy playing with Barbie's didn't really illustrate my point, but I guess what I'm trying to say is when it's "too quiet" it MIGHT be a bad thing. However, it might NOT be a bad thing either.
For instance... tonight, while I piddled away with a couple different games on my phone the kids played quietly in their rooms. By quiet I mean you could've heard a mouse pee on cotton. I thought to myself a couple times, "I should probably go check on them," but brick breaker was getting intense. Eventually I wandered back towards their rooms just in time to see Grace putting Bonnie's camera back on her shelf. The following conversation ensued:
Me: Grace what were you doing with Mom's Camera?
Grace: Taking pictures
Me: Oh really, that sounds like fun
Tucker (Who appears out of nowhere laughing hysterically): It was lots of fun! We took some good ones!
Me: I'll bet you did, I think it's time for bed.
Well ladies and gentleman... I present to you 10 reasons why you should NOT investigate when it's "too quiet." Rather... just keep doing what you're doing and if your kids are anything like Grace and Tucker you might end up with some gems like these... Enjoy...
Just curious. What's the over/under Tucker was about to pee his pants when this pic was taken?
Mar 13, 2012
21-30
At last... The final saga in the "30 in 30 in 3 series." 30 random memories, told in 30 run on sentences.
**Warning** While the events in this post are true, the visuals that follow them are for dramtic illustration purposes only, and were not actually taken during the events. With one epic exception... the family photo from Yellowstone! So without further procrastination... here's 21-30!
21) I remember being just shy of 6 feet tall in 6th grade and absolutely owning kids in tether ball before, during, and after school, and winning so much that the people in line waiting to play began making up rules to get me out and then they would all vote against me when I challenged the rule so I would ALWAYS lose!
22) I vividly remember having hour, sometimes day long wannabe ninja turtle battles with my little brother using vacuum cleaner extension poles and pretending to be either raphael with 2 seperate poles or combing the poles and fighting as Donatello!
23) I remember growing up, before Sunday dinners, my older sister Kerri would always need woken up from her sunday nap to eat, and nobody ever wanted to do it for risk of being verbally or physically abused, so my dad decided that because everyone was so afraid to do it that we would draw straws to determine the "lucky" winner!
24) I remember being at my grandmas and my dad asking my little sister Amy to get the wheat thins from the car and after 10 minutes he sent me out to see why she had not returned with said wheat thins and when I went outside I found Amy scared to death, still in the van, near tears, and when I asked her what was wrong she pointed at all the big black birds in the front yard and said she didn't want to get out of the van because she thought the birds were going to attack her!
25) I remember when I was younger my oldest brother Dan was babysitting me and my little brother and sister and after we refused to do a few simple chores that he asked us to do he uncharacteristically slammed a cup down on the coffee table in front of him, SHATTERED THE GLASS, and sent us running away in fear!
26) I remember being at home one night with my 2 younger siblings and my older brother Clint, and receiving a call from my neighbor informing us that a suspicious looking man was snooping around our front yard, so we called the cops and then the 4 of us hid in Clint's room in the basement while we waited for the police, and I was so scared I started to cry and Clint yelled at me, "Bucky! Stop crying! I have a baseball bat! I'll protect you guys from anything!" and thinking my brother was insane and then learning later that the person my neighbor saw was actually my dad looking at some of our trees while waiting for someone to pick him up out front.
27) I remember taking long family road trips to places like Yellowstone and being forced to take awkward family photos like this gem here!
28) I remember when I was in about 6th grade my dad brought home a box of telephones from his office and I took the box down to the basement and over the next couple of days I dismantled nearly every phone in the box and when my dad found out and got ticked off I said "Dad, I thought they didn't work anymore so I got curious and took them apart to see what was on the inside!"
29) I remember getting a techinical foul in a boys and girls club basketball game for arguing with a referee and then getting a second technical foul and being kicked out of the game for taking my jeresy off and then walking 3 and a half miles home because I refused to get in the car with my mom after she took the ref's side!
30) I remember when my brother Clint shot a monster bull elk and my dad built a sweet looking base for the mount and Marc Plunkett of Wildlife Safari Art in Camp Verde, Arizona polished off the base and finished one of the sickest looking elk mounts I have ever seen and all 9 feet of it now stands proudly in Clint's family room!
Let's face it... This one's worth 2 pictures!
**Warning** While the events in this post are true, the visuals that follow them are for dramtic illustration purposes only, and were not actually taken during the events. With one epic exception... the family photo from Yellowstone! So without further procrastination... here's 21-30!
21) I remember being just shy of 6 feet tall in 6th grade and absolutely owning kids in tether ball before, during, and after school, and winning so much that the people in line waiting to play began making up rules to get me out and then they would all vote against me when I challenged the rule so I would ALWAYS lose!
22) I vividly remember having hour, sometimes day long wannabe ninja turtle battles with my little brother using vacuum cleaner extension poles and pretending to be either raphael with 2 seperate poles or combing the poles and fighting as Donatello!
23) I remember growing up, before Sunday dinners, my older sister Kerri would always need woken up from her sunday nap to eat, and nobody ever wanted to do it for risk of being verbally or physically abused, so my dad decided that because everyone was so afraid to do it that we would draw straws to determine the "lucky" winner!
24) I remember being at my grandmas and my dad asking my little sister Amy to get the wheat thins from the car and after 10 minutes he sent me out to see why she had not returned with said wheat thins and when I went outside I found Amy scared to death, still in the van, near tears, and when I asked her what was wrong she pointed at all the big black birds in the front yard and said she didn't want to get out of the van because she thought the birds were going to attack her!
25) I remember when I was younger my oldest brother Dan was babysitting me and my little brother and sister and after we refused to do a few simple chores that he asked us to do he uncharacteristically slammed a cup down on the coffee table in front of him, SHATTERED THE GLASS, and sent us running away in fear!
26) I remember being at home one night with my 2 younger siblings and my older brother Clint, and receiving a call from my neighbor informing us that a suspicious looking man was snooping around our front yard, so we called the cops and then the 4 of us hid in Clint's room in the basement while we waited for the police, and I was so scared I started to cry and Clint yelled at me, "Bucky! Stop crying! I have a baseball bat! I'll protect you guys from anything!" and thinking my brother was insane and then learning later that the person my neighbor saw was actually my dad looking at some of our trees while waiting for someone to pick him up out front.
27) I remember taking long family road trips to places like Yellowstone and being forced to take awkward family photos like this gem here!
28) I remember when I was in about 6th grade my dad brought home a box of telephones from his office and I took the box down to the basement and over the next couple of days I dismantled nearly every phone in the box and when my dad found out and got ticked off I said "Dad, I thought they didn't work anymore so I got curious and took them apart to see what was on the inside!"
29) I remember getting a techinical foul in a boys and girls club basketball game for arguing with a referee and then getting a second technical foul and being kicked out of the game for taking my jeresy off and then walking 3 and a half miles home because I refused to get in the car with my mom after she took the ref's side!
30) I remember when my brother Clint shot a monster bull elk and my dad built a sweet looking base for the mount and Marc Plunkett of Wildlife Safari Art in Camp Verde, Arizona polished off the base and finished one of the sickest looking elk mounts I have ever seen and all 9 feet of it now stands proudly in Clint's family room!
Let's face it... This one's worth 2 pictures!
Jan 29, 2012
PART 2 -- 10 MORE!
Here's round 2. Spoiler alert: Da grammar doesn't get no betta!
1) I remember when I was younger I was watching Unsolved Mysteries by myself with all the lights off and during a commercial break I put a frozen capri sun in the microwave to defrost it and then ran back to the couch just in time to see giant blue flashes coming from the microwave.
2) I remember when I was about 12 I found a massive stash of silver dollars amd half dollars in my dad's closet and I spent close to every one of them buying stuff from the ice cream man for me and my friends.
3) I remember dressing up like a complete fool with my buddy Devin to win lower level seats to a suns game and being told by the judges 10 min. before the contest ended "we've never seen anyone dress this crazy, you guys have this on lock" and then losing the contest minutes later to a pair of Scottsdale skanks in mini skirts and skin tight tank tops who simply rolled paint onto their entire bodies.
4) I remember when I was in middle school I covered every square inch of the walls in my room with cut-outs from Sports Illustrated and miscellaneous posters and then one day I came home and saw that every one of them had been cut into tiny pieces by my little brother Russ and my cousin Nick.
5) I remember when I worked with Devin.
6) I remember when Dwight Howard took 6 steps without dribbling and was not called for travel.
7) I remember when I showed my camping buddies the "flamability" of non-dairy coffee creamer.
8) I remember when I saw the remains of a lizard that chose the wrong time to hang out in a door jam.
9) I remember when I attempted to coach a girls volleyball team and every one of the girls knew twice as much as I did about the sport of volleyball.
10) I remember when I was the most sick I've ever been in my life and my incredible fiance came over, cleaned my house, brought me brownies, and made me soup. I love you more all the time Bonnie!
Round 3 coming soon, to a monitor near you!
1) I remember when I was younger I was watching Unsolved Mysteries by myself with all the lights off and during a commercial break I put a frozen capri sun in the microwave to defrost it and then ran back to the couch just in time to see giant blue flashes coming from the microwave.
2) I remember when I was about 12 I found a massive stash of silver dollars amd half dollars in my dad's closet and I spent close to every one of them buying stuff from the ice cream man for me and my friends.
3) I remember dressing up like a complete fool with my buddy Devin to win lower level seats to a suns game and being told by the judges 10 min. before the contest ended "we've never seen anyone dress this crazy, you guys have this on lock" and then losing the contest minutes later to a pair of Scottsdale skanks in mini skirts and skin tight tank tops who simply rolled paint onto their entire bodies.
4) I remember when I was in middle school I covered every square inch of the walls in my room with cut-outs from Sports Illustrated and miscellaneous posters and then one day I came home and saw that every one of them had been cut into tiny pieces by my little brother Russ and my cousin Nick.
5) I remember when I worked with Devin.
6) I remember when Dwight Howard took 6 steps without dribbling and was not called for travel.
7) I remember when I showed my camping buddies the "flamability" of non-dairy coffee creamer.
8) I remember when I saw the remains of a lizard that chose the wrong time to hang out in a door jam.
9) I remember when I attempted to coach a girls volleyball team and every one of the girls knew twice as much as I did about the sport of volleyball.
10) I remember when I was the most sick I've ever been in my life and my incredible fiance came over, cleaned my house, brought me brownies, and made me soup. I love you more all the time Bonnie!
Round 3 coming soon, to a monitor near you!
Jan 19, 2012
30 IN 30 IN 3
From time to time I see, smell, hear, touch, taste, or do something that leads me to say, "I remember when... yada-yada-yada" More often than not, that "yada-yada-yada" is some long, drawn-out story that, if I'm lucky, leaves others laughing as hard as myself. So in an effort to simplify my stories, here's 30 RANDOM memories, told in 30 run-on sentences, delivered 10 at a time! Grammar gurus... close your eyes.... these are gonna burn!
1) I remember when I was about 12 and I was searcing through a tub of 5-cent pogs at Walgreens and a kid my age walked in and took 2 handfuls of pogs and ran straight out the front door screaming "I love pogs #%*(&#$!"
2) I remember when I watched The Mighty Ducks and it inspired me to grab an old purse from my sister's closet and fill it with dog poop and hang a dollar bill out of it and put it on the side of the road and sit in my neighbors backyard with my buddies and watch the magic of the movie unfold in real time, right before our eyes!
3) I remember when I was younger I walked by a neighbors open garage door and saw those hand held velcro nerf ball catcher things and I took them because I was going to san diego the next day and then I returned them to the same neigbors garage the next time I saw it open!
4) I remember riding my bike to the mall and buying the soundtrack to the movie "Selena" on audio cassette and then staying up late at night hitting rewind-play over and over until I memorized every word to the song "Dreaming of You!"
5) I remember when I was in middle school I saved my money from doing chores so I could buy a book of "your mama" jokes called SNAPS!
6) I remember when there was a nickelcade/indoor mini-golf joint in Phoenix, and I wemt with my older brothers and I spent every nickel I was given playing Street Fighter II!
7) I remember sleeping over at a friends house and being woken up by his mom at 8am on a saturday and being told "We don't sleep in on saturday's in this house, we clean" and then immediately grabbbing my sleeping bag and walking out the front door laughing out loud and thinking, "Woman, I'm not cleaning your house on a saturday morning!"
8) I remember going through a break dancing phase where I would come home every day from school and put on a pair of "And 1" warm up pants and an ugly warm-up jacket and practice break dancing in my basement for hours on end!
9) I remember renting the movie "3 Ninjas" no less than 25 times growing up and with the help of my little brother, reenacting as many epic fight scenes as we could!
10) I remember chasing a girl down the halls of church nearly 3 years ago and then inviting her to my house 2 nights later and telling her she looked "so hot" and then drooling over her for the next 30 MONTHS and then FINALLY putting a ring on it! I LOVE YOU BONNIE!!!!
Part 2 coming soon!
1) I remember when I was about 12 and I was searcing through a tub of 5-cent pogs at Walgreens and a kid my age walked in and took 2 handfuls of pogs and ran straight out the front door screaming "I love pogs #%*(&#$!"
2) I remember when I watched The Mighty Ducks and it inspired me to grab an old purse from my sister's closet and fill it with dog poop and hang a dollar bill out of it and put it on the side of the road and sit in my neighbors backyard with my buddies and watch the magic of the movie unfold in real time, right before our eyes!
3) I remember when I was younger I walked by a neighbors open garage door and saw those hand held velcro nerf ball catcher things and I took them because I was going to san diego the next day and then I returned them to the same neigbors garage the next time I saw it open!
4) I remember riding my bike to the mall and buying the soundtrack to the movie "Selena" on audio cassette and then staying up late at night hitting rewind-play over and over until I memorized every word to the song "Dreaming of You!"
5) I remember when I was in middle school I saved my money from doing chores so I could buy a book of "your mama" jokes called SNAPS!
6) I remember when there was a nickelcade/indoor mini-golf joint in Phoenix, and I wemt with my older brothers and I spent every nickel I was given playing Street Fighter II!
7) I remember sleeping over at a friends house and being woken up by his mom at 8am on a saturday and being told "We don't sleep in on saturday's in this house, we clean" and then immediately grabbbing my sleeping bag and walking out the front door laughing out loud and thinking, "Woman, I'm not cleaning your house on a saturday morning!"
8) I remember going through a break dancing phase where I would come home every day from school and put on a pair of "And 1" warm up pants and an ugly warm-up jacket and practice break dancing in my basement for hours on end!
9) I remember renting the movie "3 Ninjas" no less than 25 times growing up and with the help of my little brother, reenacting as many epic fight scenes as we could!
10) I remember chasing a girl down the halls of church nearly 3 years ago and then inviting her to my house 2 nights later and telling her she looked "so hot" and then drooling over her for the next 30 MONTHS and then FINALLY putting a ring on it! I LOVE YOU BONNIE!!!!
Part 2 coming soon!
Sep 19, 2011
Hmmm... About that...
Wow, it sure feels great to be back on the keyboard! To my faithful readers and occasional blog-stalkers, I offer my sincere apologies. To my new readers I say simply, reading my blog is like brushing your teeth at night... It's optional, but if you choose not to do it you'll probably regret it in the morning.
So with that said, allow me to get back to my roots with another true moment of comedy from my days in Idaho. This December will actually mark the 10 year anniversary of this epic financial fail!
You see, every Sunday when I was away at school I would call home to chat it up with my mom. I specifically say my mom because a typical conversation with my dad went something like this:
Me: "Hi Dad!"
Dad: "You got a job?"
Me: "Yup"
Dad "You need money?"
Me: "Nope"
Dad: "Ok, here's your mother."
On one particular Sunday however, with only a few weeks remaining in the semester, the conversation did not go as planned. It started off routine as I assured my dad for the 10th time in as many weeks that yes, I indeed had a job. However, I answered his inquiry about needing money with a hesitant yes! He cautiously inquired as to who-what-when-where-why and how I would be spending his hard earned cash. I explained to him that all my friends snowboarded, I wanted to try snowboarding for the first time, but the less than $60 in my checking account wasn't nearly enough to cover the cost of going.
Within 24 hours, being the loving dad he's always been, he transferred $250 into my checking account and sent me a short e-mail that went something like this... "Bucky, I put $250 in your account to go snowboarding. That should cover board and binding rentals, a 2-day pass because you'll spend the first day on your butt, and gas money for somebody to drive you there."
So there I was, 3 weeks left in the semester, the $57 and change in my checking account had just been quadrupled, and I could hardly wait to spend my well-begged-for money on..... WENDY'S AND TACO BELL?!?!?! Yup, you heard that right! Rather than rent a snowboard and dish out some cash for a 2-day pass... I woofed down bean burritos and junior bacon cheeseburgers EVERY DAY for the next three weeks!
Now fast forward about a month. I was home for Christmas break and my good buddy Devin was hanging out with my dad and I, watching the Suns game. At some point during the game Devin casually mentioned that he was headed to Flagstaff that weekend to go snowboarding. I casually, and very regrettably, said in response to his statement, "Dang! Lucky! I wish I had the money to go snowboarding! I've never been before!"
All I can remember from that moment on is the hybrid look of confusion and anger on my dad's face as he stared me straight in the eyes and said, "Wait a second son! If you didn't go snowboarding than what'd you do with the $250 I gave you last month?"
Hmmmm.... About that....
The moral of this story??? If I you ever hear me say I want to go snowbaording for the first time, cash out your 401K and start buying stock in Wendy's and Taco Bell!
So with that said, allow me to get back to my roots with another true moment of comedy from my days in Idaho. This December will actually mark the 10 year anniversary of this epic financial fail!
You see, every Sunday when I was away at school I would call home to chat it up with my mom. I specifically say my mom because a typical conversation with my dad went something like this:
Me: "Hi Dad!"
Dad: "You got a job?"
Me: "Yup"
Dad "You need money?"
Me: "Nope"
Dad: "Ok, here's your mother."
On one particular Sunday however, with only a few weeks remaining in the semester, the conversation did not go as planned. It started off routine as I assured my dad for the 10th time in as many weeks that yes, I indeed had a job. However, I answered his inquiry about needing money with a hesitant yes! He cautiously inquired as to who-what-when-where-why and how I would be spending his hard earned cash. I explained to him that all my friends snowboarded, I wanted to try snowboarding for the first time, but the less than $60 in my checking account wasn't nearly enough to cover the cost of going.
Within 24 hours, being the loving dad he's always been, he transferred $250 into my checking account and sent me a short e-mail that went something like this... "Bucky, I put $250 in your account to go snowboarding. That should cover board and binding rentals, a 2-day pass because you'll spend the first day on your butt, and gas money for somebody to drive you there."
So there I was, 3 weeks left in the semester, the $57 and change in my checking account had just been quadrupled, and I could hardly wait to spend my well-begged-for money on..... WENDY'S AND TACO BELL?!?!?! Yup, you heard that right! Rather than rent a snowboard and dish out some cash for a 2-day pass... I woofed down bean burritos and junior bacon cheeseburgers EVERY DAY for the next three weeks!
Now fast forward about a month. I was home for Christmas break and my good buddy Devin was hanging out with my dad and I, watching the Suns game. At some point during the game Devin casually mentioned that he was headed to Flagstaff that weekend to go snowboarding. I casually, and very regrettably, said in response to his statement, "Dang! Lucky! I wish I had the money to go snowboarding! I've never been before!"
All I can remember from that moment on is the hybrid look of confusion and anger on my dad's face as he stared me straight in the eyes and said, "Wait a second son! If you didn't go snowboarding than what'd you do with the $250 I gave you last month?"
Hmmmm.... About that....
The moral of this story??? If I you ever hear me say I want to go snowbaording for the first time, cash out your 401K and start buying stock in Wendy's and Taco Bell!
Jul 23, 2011
Rather AMAZING!
Anyone who knows me better than a midget knows kids' sizes KNOWS I LOVE camping! Last night I rounded up my roommate Waldo, a couple buddies, my girlfriend, and her two kids and headed up North for the night. Steaks, smores, hot dogs, pickles, hiking, spot lighting, diggin holes, and drinking silly amounts of exotic gourmet soda all contributed to a GREAT TIME!
Here's some pics from our enjoyable get away, followed by one SERIOUSLY AMAZING video I took during our spotlighting adventure! Outside of the time I saw 2 mountain lions running together, it's by far the coolest thing I've ever seen with a spotlight. Especially because it stood there while I tooks pictures and videos of it...
Waldo, Destiny, and John... Waldo appears to be the most relaxed. haha.
Bonnie and I... How's that for some proper grammer!
Bonnie's daughter Grace and her ever-loving "dolly"...
Bonnie's son Tucker with his, "It's 2 hours past my bedtime but I can't stop staring at the AWESOME fire" look on his face...
I told you, the kid wouldn't stop looking at the fire...
Tucker preferred star gazing over eating his hot dog...
Probably the only candid shot of Bonnie from the trip...
If he wasn't staring at the fire he was staring at the dirt! Oh to be a kid again...
Waldo enjoying his last bite of steak...
Apparently John missed the "We're camping in the mountains, not Hawaii memo"...
Just enjoyin myself...
Tucker had marshmallows for breakfast! CLASSIC...
We took a small hike this morning, and naturally it broke into a quick game of hide and seek...
The kids starting to fall behind...
I LOVE this picture! HA HA! Grace didn't last very long on the hike...
Nothing like a cold pop and a cool mountain breeze...
Ok, this is a video I took last night when we were spotlighting. Excuse my child-like excitement throughout...
Here's some pics from our enjoyable get away, followed by one SERIOUSLY AMAZING video I took during our spotlighting adventure! Outside of the time I saw 2 mountain lions running together, it's by far the coolest thing I've ever seen with a spotlight. Especially because it stood there while I tooks pictures and videos of it...
Waldo, Destiny, and John... Waldo appears to be the most relaxed. haha.
Bonnie and I... How's that for some proper grammer!
Bonnie's daughter Grace and her ever-loving "dolly"...
Bonnie's son Tucker with his, "It's 2 hours past my bedtime but I can't stop staring at the AWESOME fire" look on his face...
I told you, the kid wouldn't stop looking at the fire...
Tucker preferred star gazing over eating his hot dog...
Probably the only candid shot of Bonnie from the trip...
If he wasn't staring at the fire he was staring at the dirt! Oh to be a kid again...
Waldo enjoying his last bite of steak...
Apparently John missed the "We're camping in the mountains, not Hawaii memo"...
Just enjoyin myself...
Tucker had marshmallows for breakfast! CLASSIC...
We took a small hike this morning, and naturally it broke into a quick game of hide and seek...
The kids starting to fall behind...
I LOVE this picture! HA HA! Grace didn't last very long on the hike...
Nothing like a cold pop and a cool mountain breeze...
Ok, this is a video I took last night when we were spotlighting. Excuse my child-like excitement throughout...
Ok, so now for the second post...
I recently lost a "friendly" wager about losing 20 pounds in 6 weeks. Admittedly I didn't try very hard, and will make no further excuses. However, it aggravates me to know that I weigh more now than I ever have in my life. There is also something else that aggravates me... SHAVING! So I figured why not combine my dislike for weight gain and shaving and make it a publicized ordeal.
Tonight I will purchase a scale and weigh myself. I will also shave. Then, if I can lose 2 and a half pounds a week, for 6 weeks, I get to keep my beard. In other words, my goal is 15 pounds in 6 weeks. However, I will weigh myself every saturday night and if I don't weigh in 2.5 pounds lighter than the previous week, I have to shave! GAME ON!
Jul 12, 2011
My Bad...
After leaving the missionary training center and reporting to the great state of Georgia I was placed in the mid-sized southern town of Waycross. Home to the Okefenokee Swamp, some seriously "backwoods" moonshiners, and the Howe family. Papa Howe owned the Chick-fil-A at the center of town. Now when you're on an LDS missionary and somebody tells you that there is a place you can eat for free whenever you want you get pretty giddy. When that same someone tells you that the place you can eat for free is Chick-fil-A it makes you want to hug a stranger and say, "I wish we'd known each other, this is a little awkward." At least that's what it made me want to do.
So one day after woofing down some Chik-fil-A for lunch the Howe family invited us over for Dinner. All I could think was, "Chick-fil-A for lunch AND dinner? For free both times? That's BALLIN!" So my companion and I showed up at the Howe's right on schedule, met the family, and then sat around the table to enjoy some delicious bird!
It was a fairly elongated kitchen table. I remember Papa Howe sitting at one end of it and my companion sitting at the other. I took a seat in the middle of one side, and sitting directly across from me was Papa Howe's teenage daughter. I had nobody to my left or right on my side. Now before I go any farther for those of you that don't understand the rules about "girls" when you're on a mission it's very similar to the rules about girls when you're in prison. Sort of. Aside from a handshake, you can't touch em. There's no fratenizing, no dating, and no flirtatious exchanging of digits.
Ok, so back to the table. We were all shooting the breeze while I basically inhaled my chicken sandwich, when suddenly I felt someone's foot brush up against my leg. It started at my ankle and slowly worked it's way up to my knee. I promptly dropped my sandwich on my wrapper and looked directly across the table. The Howe girl was chattin it up with her brother, who if I recall correctly had some rad name... like Chip! Ya-ya... It was Chip! Anyways, she looked everything BUT guilty when it came to the leg graze so I passed it off as accidental and continued eating my sandwich.
Moments later I felt it again, this time it started at my knee and traveled down to my foot! This time I mumbled a subtle, "What the heck!? as I again dropped my sandwich and immediately began looking across the table. This time she was eating... casually... but still paying no attention to me. I looked at her brother sitting next her thinking maybe it was him doing it, just messing around, but he too looked not guilty. Confused, and still very hungry, I once again played it off as an accident and picked up my sandwich.
THEN... Not even 30 seconds later it starts to happen again! I couldn't take it anymore! I pushed my chair back from the table, stood up, threw both my hands out to the side, looked straight at her, and said, "OK FOR REAL... YOU GOTTA QUIT TOUCHING MY LEG!" My rather strange statement, and the fact that I was standing up whenI said it, abruptly drew the attention of Papa Howe. His eyes turned directly towards his daughter and the expression on his face was one of, "Are you seriously touching his leg?"
Suddenly, without warning, a cat leaped out from under the table and began slowly walking out of the kitchen. It looked directly at me as if to say, "GOT YOU!" There was a solid three or four seconds of awkward silence as me, my companion, and the entire Howe family put 2 and 2 together. We must have laughed for a half an hour about how I mistook the cat's tail for this girl's foot!
The moral of this story... CATS ARE GAY!!!!
So one day after woofing down some Chik-fil-A for lunch the Howe family invited us over for Dinner. All I could think was, "Chick-fil-A for lunch AND dinner? For free both times? That's BALLIN!" So my companion and I showed up at the Howe's right on schedule, met the family, and then sat around the table to enjoy some delicious bird!
It was a fairly elongated kitchen table. I remember Papa Howe sitting at one end of it and my companion sitting at the other. I took a seat in the middle of one side, and sitting directly across from me was Papa Howe's teenage daughter. I had nobody to my left or right on my side. Now before I go any farther for those of you that don't understand the rules about "girls" when you're on a mission it's very similar to the rules about girls when you're in prison. Sort of. Aside from a handshake, you can't touch em. There's no fratenizing, no dating, and no flirtatious exchanging of digits.
Ok, so back to the table. We were all shooting the breeze while I basically inhaled my chicken sandwich, when suddenly I felt someone's foot brush up against my leg. It started at my ankle and slowly worked it's way up to my knee. I promptly dropped my sandwich on my wrapper and looked directly across the table. The Howe girl was chattin it up with her brother, who if I recall correctly had some rad name... like Chip! Ya-ya... It was Chip! Anyways, she looked everything BUT guilty when it came to the leg graze so I passed it off as accidental and continued eating my sandwich.
Moments later I felt it again, this time it started at my knee and traveled down to my foot! This time I mumbled a subtle, "What the heck!? as I again dropped my sandwich and immediately began looking across the table. This time she was eating... casually... but still paying no attention to me. I looked at her brother sitting next her thinking maybe it was him doing it, just messing around, but he too looked not guilty. Confused, and still very hungry, I once again played it off as an accident and picked up my sandwich.
THEN... Not even 30 seconds later it starts to happen again! I couldn't take it anymore! I pushed my chair back from the table, stood up, threw both my hands out to the side, looked straight at her, and said, "OK FOR REAL... YOU GOTTA QUIT TOUCHING MY LEG!" My rather strange statement, and the fact that I was standing up whenI said it, abruptly drew the attention of Papa Howe. His eyes turned directly towards his daughter and the expression on his face was one of, "Are you seriously touching his leg?"
Suddenly, without warning, a cat leaped out from under the table and began slowly walking out of the kitchen. It looked directly at me as if to say, "GOT YOU!" There was a solid three or four seconds of awkward silence as me, my companion, and the entire Howe family put 2 and 2 together. We must have laughed for a half an hour about how I mistook the cat's tail for this girl's foot!
The moral of this story... CATS ARE GAY!!!!
Jul 11, 2011
The Dating Trifecta
3 girls (3 changed names), 3 awkward dates, and 3 lessons learned.
Girl 1: Jenny
Awkward date title: Are you serious Clark???
Lesson learned: Opposites do NOT always attract.
Anytime you're a dude at college and you're single, and you like a girl at college, who is also single, and that girl says to you at anytime, "I really feel like you should ask my rommate out" it's NEVER a good sign. In my real world experience it means 1 of 2 things.
1) The girls roommate keeps all her rommates up at night venting about how guys never ask her out. She says all this as she buries her face in an organic chemistry textbook, and post her 5th status update of the day about how much she misses her cats at home. Or something like that.
2) The girl YOU LIKE has little to no interest IN YOU and is attempting to subtly pawn your attraction off to her roommate.
In the case of a girl named Jenny it was #1. I was "mildly" obsessed with a girl one semester named Hannah. We had a class together and admittedly I went out of my way every class period to say something to her. Eventually we became friends and I had some high hopes of winning her over. Just when I thought I might get that chance, however, she began venting to me one day about her roommate. She told me her roommate Jenny was constantly complaining about never being asked out. She said that Jenny would literally keep her up at night obsessing over guys but ending nearly every sentence with, "but he won't ask me out so what am I suppossed to do?"
Hannah went on to tell me that Jenny is "really fun" and "Scott I think you'd have a really good time if you took her out." At this point I had a decision to make. I could go ahead and take Jenny out once, in hopes that my "good deed" would score me some brownie points with Hannah, or I could politely tell Hannah that the "majoring in whining and complaining about never getting asked out while they spend 9 hours a day at the library" type of girls just weren't... well, they just weren't my type.
I chose to take my chances with the brownie points and went ahead and set up a date with Jenny. Thankfully, I could hardly classify it as a date. You see Jenny didn't have much time because she had to study. Classic. So I decided our "date" would be strolling down Main Street in Rexburg, Idaho so we could hit up the snow cone booth. So we did just that. I drove to her house, and we began walking towards the "Sno-Shack"... makers of the greatest shaved ice west of... campus??? Sure, whatever.
After 10 minutes of walking we took our places at the end of an enormous line of "couples" -- all hoping to win their dates over with $1.50 snow cones. By the time it was our turn to choose from one of like 37 flavors, I had already come to the conclusion that I had more in common with a whales uterus than I did with this girl. And I don't even have a uterus, so you do the math. I mean the girl told me she hated camping and fishing, never played sports, hated to watch sports, loved cats, enjoyed having a curfew, and wanted to be a music teacher. Things went from "zero to I wish i drove here so I could take her home faster" in like 10 minutes! One ridiculously large snow-cone, and 5 more minutes of awkwardness later, and we began the short journey back to her place. Needless to say, I never went out with Jenny again, and unfortunately Hannah had a boyfriend like a week later so apparently my brownie points theory back fired big time!
Girl 2: Michelle
Awkward date title: Wow, that's crazy!
Lesson learned: Choose your questions carefully
I took a girl named Michelle on a date once. It was our first date. We met at a dance. That was my mistake. I should've never been there. She lived on the opposite side of town and by that I mean I made sure to fill my tank up the night before. The date was thrown together fairly quickly but she was really anxious to go out and considering I found her highly attractive I didn't want to miss an opportunity. So not much was planned by the time I arrived to pick her up. I went in her house for a little bit, met her paps, and we tossed a few ideas back and forth about what we should do. After a few minutes I was surprised when she turned down a plethora of simple "get to know you style" ideas and chose to drive up near Payson, build a little fire, make smores, and tell jokes. I'm pretty sure I phrased it that way when I asked her too.
So we ventured up highway 87, but we never made it to Payson. Just our luck we chose the night they had a massive overnight construction project going on. We decided we didn't feel like waiting it out in traffic so we flipped a U-turn and looked for the first dirt road we could turn off on. We found one fairly quickly and I drove in a few hundred yards and we parked. We never made a fire and we never made smores. And no we didn't make a baby either, so you can stop thinking that's where this is going. Instead we just sat there and talked while we munched on "gas station" specials we snagged before leaving town. The conversation was honestly fun. She was a bit sarcastic at times which of course tickled my ear drums so I didn't mind just sitting there talking. The conversation remained fun... for about the first 20 minutes. Then, apparently I asked the wrong question. I don't remember exactly how I phrased it but it was something like, "So have you had very good luck with the dating scene out here in the East valley?"
Ladies and gentleman, anyone who knows me knows that I can talk the bark off a tree stump, and I am more than guilty of my fair share of incoherent rambling, but never in my life did I expect the 30 minutes following my question to unfold the way that they did! I wish I had her response tape recorded! I can't hardly recall a tenth of it. All I know is I must have said the phrase, "Wow, that's crazy!" 57 times in a half hour. She went off about being physically, sexually, and emotionally abused by previous boyfriends. She told me about how one of them punched her in the face and she had to get a restraining order against him. She continued on to tell me some of the craziest things I'd ever heard, and when she was basically done she looked at me and said the greatest line ever... "So you'd be ok with just taking things slow right?" My response? "Well, I'm not about to punch you in the face if that's what you're wondering!" Ya let's just say we didn't become freinds!
Girl 3: Emily
Awkward date title: Never actually happened
Lesson Learned: Stay out of the Library
This one's short and sweet because it never actually turned into a date. You see, not counting group projects I can count on one hand the times I entered the library during the 11 semester I attended BYU-Idaho. The library creeped me out. It was chuck full of uber awkward busniess majors preying on first semseter freshman girls. They'd try to be all sly but I had them figured out. They'd take a seat next to some hot young blonde, put there back pack full of business books on the table and make some sort of comment like, "Oh sorry if I shook the table, I just got so many business books I need to study tonight! I'm a business major in case you were wondering! What's your name?" Ok, so maybe it wasn't quite like that but it was close!
Well one night I found myself sitting next to a cute girl at a fairly large study table. She came up after me so trust me, I wasn't creeping on her! Over the next 45 minutes we chatted about a little bit of everything. I debated over and over again to ask her for her phone number, but I chickened out repeatedly! Eventually she started packing up her things and I decided I didn't need her number to ask her out. I could ask her out first and then get her number. So nay do I crap you, I asked her straight up if she wanted to go out some time. She responded with, "hmmmm, seriously?" I said, ya! Seriously!" She sort of chuckled, smiled at me, and said, "Maybe." Just then a guy walked u, held her around her waist and kissed her. Then I saw the ring on her finger, quietly packed up my things, and exited the library as quickly as I could, the whole time repeating over and over in my head, "What was all that "maybe" talk?" Gotta love the library!
Girl 1: Jenny
Awkward date title: Are you serious Clark???
Lesson learned: Opposites do NOT always attract.
Anytime you're a dude at college and you're single, and you like a girl at college, who is also single, and that girl says to you at anytime, "I really feel like you should ask my rommate out" it's NEVER a good sign. In my real world experience it means 1 of 2 things.
1) The girls roommate keeps all her rommates up at night venting about how guys never ask her out. She says all this as she buries her face in an organic chemistry textbook, and post her 5th status update of the day about how much she misses her cats at home. Or something like that.
2) The girl YOU LIKE has little to no interest IN YOU and is attempting to subtly pawn your attraction off to her roommate.
In the case of a girl named Jenny it was #1. I was "mildly" obsessed with a girl one semester named Hannah. We had a class together and admittedly I went out of my way every class period to say something to her. Eventually we became friends and I had some high hopes of winning her over. Just when I thought I might get that chance, however, she began venting to me one day about her roommate. She told me her roommate Jenny was constantly complaining about never being asked out. She said that Jenny would literally keep her up at night obsessing over guys but ending nearly every sentence with, "but he won't ask me out so what am I suppossed to do?"
Hannah went on to tell me that Jenny is "really fun" and "Scott I think you'd have a really good time if you took her out." At this point I had a decision to make. I could go ahead and take Jenny out once, in hopes that my "good deed" would score me some brownie points with Hannah, or I could politely tell Hannah that the "majoring in whining and complaining about never getting asked out while they spend 9 hours a day at the library" type of girls just weren't... well, they just weren't my type.
I chose to take my chances with the brownie points and went ahead and set up a date with Jenny. Thankfully, I could hardly classify it as a date. You see Jenny didn't have much time because she had to study. Classic. So I decided our "date" would be strolling down Main Street in Rexburg, Idaho so we could hit up the snow cone booth. So we did just that. I drove to her house, and we began walking towards the "Sno-Shack"... makers of the greatest shaved ice west of... campus??? Sure, whatever.
After 10 minutes of walking we took our places at the end of an enormous line of "couples" -- all hoping to win their dates over with $1.50 snow cones. By the time it was our turn to choose from one of like 37 flavors, I had already come to the conclusion that I had more in common with a whales uterus than I did with this girl. And I don't even have a uterus, so you do the math. I mean the girl told me she hated camping and fishing, never played sports, hated to watch sports, loved cats, enjoyed having a curfew, and wanted to be a music teacher. Things went from "zero to I wish i drove here so I could take her home faster" in like 10 minutes! One ridiculously large snow-cone, and 5 more minutes of awkwardness later, and we began the short journey back to her place. Needless to say, I never went out with Jenny again, and unfortunately Hannah had a boyfriend like a week later so apparently my brownie points theory back fired big time!
Girl 2: Michelle
Awkward date title: Wow, that's crazy!
Lesson learned: Choose your questions carefully
I took a girl named Michelle on a date once. It was our first date. We met at a dance. That was my mistake. I should've never been there. She lived on the opposite side of town and by that I mean I made sure to fill my tank up the night before. The date was thrown together fairly quickly but she was really anxious to go out and considering I found her highly attractive I didn't want to miss an opportunity. So not much was planned by the time I arrived to pick her up. I went in her house for a little bit, met her paps, and we tossed a few ideas back and forth about what we should do. After a few minutes I was surprised when she turned down a plethora of simple "get to know you style" ideas and chose to drive up near Payson, build a little fire, make smores, and tell jokes. I'm pretty sure I phrased it that way when I asked her too.
So we ventured up highway 87, but we never made it to Payson. Just our luck we chose the night they had a massive overnight construction project going on. We decided we didn't feel like waiting it out in traffic so we flipped a U-turn and looked for the first dirt road we could turn off on. We found one fairly quickly and I drove in a few hundred yards and we parked. We never made a fire and we never made smores. And no we didn't make a baby either, so you can stop thinking that's where this is going. Instead we just sat there and talked while we munched on "gas station" specials we snagged before leaving town. The conversation was honestly fun. She was a bit sarcastic at times which of course tickled my ear drums so I didn't mind just sitting there talking. The conversation remained fun... for about the first 20 minutes. Then, apparently I asked the wrong question. I don't remember exactly how I phrased it but it was something like, "So have you had very good luck with the dating scene out here in the East valley?"
Ladies and gentleman, anyone who knows me knows that I can talk the bark off a tree stump, and I am more than guilty of my fair share of incoherent rambling, but never in my life did I expect the 30 minutes following my question to unfold the way that they did! I wish I had her response tape recorded! I can't hardly recall a tenth of it. All I know is I must have said the phrase, "Wow, that's crazy!" 57 times in a half hour. She went off about being physically, sexually, and emotionally abused by previous boyfriends. She told me about how one of them punched her in the face and she had to get a restraining order against him. She continued on to tell me some of the craziest things I'd ever heard, and when she was basically done she looked at me and said the greatest line ever... "So you'd be ok with just taking things slow right?" My response? "Well, I'm not about to punch you in the face if that's what you're wondering!" Ya let's just say we didn't become freinds!
Girl 3: Emily
Awkward date title: Never actually happened
Lesson Learned: Stay out of the Library
This one's short and sweet because it never actually turned into a date. You see, not counting group projects I can count on one hand the times I entered the library during the 11 semester I attended BYU-Idaho. The library creeped me out. It was chuck full of uber awkward busniess majors preying on first semseter freshman girls. They'd try to be all sly but I had them figured out. They'd take a seat next to some hot young blonde, put there back pack full of business books on the table and make some sort of comment like, "Oh sorry if I shook the table, I just got so many business books I need to study tonight! I'm a business major in case you were wondering! What's your name?" Ok, so maybe it wasn't quite like that but it was close!
Well one night I found myself sitting next to a cute girl at a fairly large study table. She came up after me so trust me, I wasn't creeping on her! Over the next 45 minutes we chatted about a little bit of everything. I debated over and over again to ask her for her phone number, but I chickened out repeatedly! Eventually she started packing up her things and I decided I didn't need her number to ask her out. I could ask her out first and then get her number. So nay do I crap you, I asked her straight up if she wanted to go out some time. She responded with, "hmmmm, seriously?" I said, ya! Seriously!" She sort of chuckled, smiled at me, and said, "Maybe." Just then a guy walked u, held her around her waist and kissed her. Then I saw the ring on her finger, quietly packed up my things, and exited the library as quickly as I could, the whole time repeating over and over in my head, "What was all that "maybe" talk?" Gotta love the library!
Jul 7, 2011
"Bucky, go get the controllers!"
As a kid my mother was the most loving person I knew. Still is actually. But I vividly remember there were 2 things that my mother absolutely LOATHED, without exception. She basically considered them the devil in animated and objective form. The first was any sort of Nintendo, and the second was The Simpsons. Ironically she loved soap operas, which I can't see scoring much higher than The Simpsons on the "classy" scale, but whatever.
The solution to the lack of Simpson's viewing in my home came in one of two forms. The first was to go downstairs and start watching it on the tv in the basement, closely paying attention for that distinct noise of "moms footsteps" coming down the stairs. Then quickly changing the channel to something else when you heard the equally distinct sound of the basement door opening.
The second solution was to cross your fingers and hope dad got home and started flipping through the channels before The Simpsons was over. This because he would usually start watching it if he saw that it was on. Of course even if dad turned it on it never took my mom more than a few seconds to start giving him a hard time about it. But then my dad would fire back with some witty wise crack like, "you know your mother doesn't like this show because I tell her she acts like Marge." It didn't matter how many times I heard him say that I laughed EVERY TIME! I did this NOT because I found it equally hilarious each time, but because I thought that laughing at his joke about The Simpsons would increase the chances that he'd keep it on that channel!
The earliest solution I can remember to the Nintendo shortage was to rent one. Weren't those the days??? Video Powerstore, not even a mile from the home I grew up in, would rent out Super Nintendos and Sega Genisis consoles. The only problem was my mom would only let us rent them like EVERY OTHER year on our birthdays. A far more convienant option was to have my cousin Bryan spend the night and bring his Super Nintendo with him.
Well one night when I was younger me, Bryan, and my little brother Russ were up late playing super nintendo and apparently we were being a little too loud. So my grandma who was visiting from Utah came down into the basement and gave us a couple of warnings. All of which we obeyed for only a matter of minutes before returning to our loud and obnoxious childhood antics! Well we collectively underestimated the seriousness of my Grandma's threat and next thing we knew she confiscated the controllers and took them upstairs with her!
Boy were we fired up! Well, I suppose I should say, "Boy was IIIIII fired up!" I guess I can't speak for Bryan or Russ, but I can assume they were just as upset! So as the three of us laid there talking smack about my grandma Russ and Bryan kept saying, "Dude, Bucky, go get the controllers!" I was hesitant at first but slowly began to develop a master plan to get the controllers back! After a couple of minutes and some fine tuning in my mind I ran my idea by Bryan and Russ who were suddenly reluctant to give their approval. I was confused... 5 minutes ago they were practically begging me to go get the controllers. This of course got me even more fired up, so I stood up and said something like, "Fine dude I'll get the controllers myself! Grandma's old, she's probably sleeping anyways, this is gonna be a piece of cake!"
So I stood up from the cushions that composed my bed for the night and began to creep towards the door that led to the upstairs. I was cautiously placing my feet between Bryan and Russ, when out of left field I heard MY GRANDMA'S VOICE only a few feet behind me... "I wouldn't do that if I were you!" I don't remember if I cursed or not while I simultaneously screamed and jumped a couple feet in the air, but either way it was scary! I mean where did she even come from??? How had she made it all the way down the stairs and positioned herself perfectly behind me without me noticing??? And why was she just sitting there ont he couch all creepy listening to me talk smack about her old age, and never say anything??? Needless to say we remained "controller-less" for the remainder of the night.
The moral of this story??? Never underestimate your Grandma!
The solution to the lack of Simpson's viewing in my home came in one of two forms. The first was to go downstairs and start watching it on the tv in the basement, closely paying attention for that distinct noise of "moms footsteps" coming down the stairs. Then quickly changing the channel to something else when you heard the equally distinct sound of the basement door opening.
The second solution was to cross your fingers and hope dad got home and started flipping through the channels before The Simpsons was over. This because he would usually start watching it if he saw that it was on. Of course even if dad turned it on it never took my mom more than a few seconds to start giving him a hard time about it. But then my dad would fire back with some witty wise crack like, "you know your mother doesn't like this show because I tell her she acts like Marge." It didn't matter how many times I heard him say that I laughed EVERY TIME! I did this NOT because I found it equally hilarious each time, but because I thought that laughing at his joke about The Simpsons would increase the chances that he'd keep it on that channel!
The earliest solution I can remember to the Nintendo shortage was to rent one. Weren't those the days??? Video Powerstore, not even a mile from the home I grew up in, would rent out Super Nintendos and Sega Genisis consoles. The only problem was my mom would only let us rent them like EVERY OTHER year on our birthdays. A far more convienant option was to have my cousin Bryan spend the night and bring his Super Nintendo with him.
Well one night when I was younger me, Bryan, and my little brother Russ were up late playing super nintendo and apparently we were being a little too loud. So my grandma who was visiting from Utah came down into the basement and gave us a couple of warnings. All of which we obeyed for only a matter of minutes before returning to our loud and obnoxious childhood antics! Well we collectively underestimated the seriousness of my Grandma's threat and next thing we knew she confiscated the controllers and took them upstairs with her!
Boy were we fired up! Well, I suppose I should say, "Boy was IIIIII fired up!" I guess I can't speak for Bryan or Russ, but I can assume they were just as upset! So as the three of us laid there talking smack about my grandma Russ and Bryan kept saying, "Dude, Bucky, go get the controllers!" I was hesitant at first but slowly began to develop a master plan to get the controllers back! After a couple of minutes and some fine tuning in my mind I ran my idea by Bryan and Russ who were suddenly reluctant to give their approval. I was confused... 5 minutes ago they were practically begging me to go get the controllers. This of course got me even more fired up, so I stood up and said something like, "Fine dude I'll get the controllers myself! Grandma's old, she's probably sleeping anyways, this is gonna be a piece of cake!"
So I stood up from the cushions that composed my bed for the night and began to creep towards the door that led to the upstairs. I was cautiously placing my feet between Bryan and Russ, when out of left field I heard MY GRANDMA'S VOICE only a few feet behind me... "I wouldn't do that if I were you!" I don't remember if I cursed or not while I simultaneously screamed and jumped a couple feet in the air, but either way it was scary! I mean where did she even come from??? How had she made it all the way down the stairs and positioned herself perfectly behind me without me noticing??? And why was she just sitting there ont he couch all creepy listening to me talk smack about her old age, and never say anything??? Needless to say we remained "controller-less" for the remainder of the night.
The moral of this story??? Never underestimate your Grandma!
Jun 21, 2011
Homemade Failure
A number of years ago, in the prime of my adolescence, I fell for a fireball named Nicole Dawson. For years I drooled over this hot commodity. I watched her go in and out of relationships, always wondering If I'd ever get my chance. Whenever she had a boyfriend I would try to spend as much time at her house as possible, making sure she wouldn't forget that I was around. Ha ha.
Whenever she was single I spent a ridiculous amount of time and effort discovering new ways to impress her. One year in high school I heard she was giving up cheerleading to be the mascot. Then I heard there was gonna be 2 mascots. I decided I would try out also because hey, if we were both mascots what more do you need right? I mean realistically who can resist a guy in a sweaty mountain lion costume that spends his Friday nights entertaining fans and geting screamed at by cheerleaders for "being in the way."
So the day of try-outs came and I was nervous. When they told us we'd be performing one at a time in front of the 2 cheer coaches without any other contestants watching, I was a little LESS nervous. Nicole was one of the first to try out. I knew she would make it. How did I know? She rented a sumo suit and did a dance performance to "She's a Brick House." She locked down the first spot. Only moments later it was my turn. I had no costume but I had a prop. I thought it might help. It was a cardboard cut out in the form of a person. I told the coaches it was a "cheerleader." I hesitate to say I remember much of what happened during my 60 seconds of fame but you really only need to know 4 things.
1) I brought my sisters Mariah Carey CD with me.
2) I threw the cardboard cheerleader around like a rag doll.
3) I ended my routine with a backflip.
4) I GOT THE JOB!
Was beign the mascot everything I ever dreamed it would be? Sure it was. Did being the Mascot get me any closer to dating my dream girl? NOPE! Did it stop me from trying? Not at all.
One day I decided I would impress Nicole with what I thought was her favorite dessert. A cherry pie. Now at the time, I assumed she would also like a guy that cooked for her. So I ruled out the frozen store-bought option, and went for the impossible. I was going to bake her a pie from scratch. You better believe I rode my bike to Safeway and picked up all the necessary ingredients. I spent a couple hours in the kitchen and Wa-la! I had my masterpiece! It smelled AMAZING! I was so pumped! Who could resist this? By that I mean, who could resist me, after doing this? She couldn't possibly pass me up.
The Dawsons lived about a half mile away and I didn't want to walk that far, so I decided I would ride my bike at a slow speed. I would hold the pie in one hand and use the other hand to steer my bike. I think you know where this is going. I made it all the way to her driveway, but just as I went to steer my bike up the sloped curb, my front tire (that was kinda flat) turned sideways. This caused the back end of the bike to elevate, sending both me, and my homemade masterpiece flying onto the driveway. Well, let me take that back. The pie landed on their bright red mustang, then fell to the driveway.
I WAS DEVESTATED! I remember laying flat on my back on the driveway wondering how this could have happened. I mumbled over and over again, "Why me? Why now?" I spent the next few minutes scraping as much of the pie off their car, and off their driveway as I could, placing it back into the pan. Then I thought, "Ok, so do I go home and just pretend like I didn't even try, or do I milk the sympathy cow for all it's worth." I went the sympathyy route and rang the doorbell hoping Nicole would answer and I could melt her heart with my sob story. Well, it didn't work out quite like I planned. Her mom answered the door and I decided to give her my sob story instead. Thankfully, being one of the nicest people on the planet, she was incredibly sympathetic! She let me wash my hands and clean up the road rash on my arms. However, Nicole never got her fresh cherry pie, and I never got my adolescent dream girl.
The moral of this story??? ALWAYS PUMP UP YOUR BIKE TIRES!!!!
Whenever she was single I spent a ridiculous amount of time and effort discovering new ways to impress her. One year in high school I heard she was giving up cheerleading to be the mascot. Then I heard there was gonna be 2 mascots. I decided I would try out also because hey, if we were both mascots what more do you need right? I mean realistically who can resist a guy in a sweaty mountain lion costume that spends his Friday nights entertaining fans and geting screamed at by cheerleaders for "being in the way."
So the day of try-outs came and I was nervous. When they told us we'd be performing one at a time in front of the 2 cheer coaches without any other contestants watching, I was a little LESS nervous. Nicole was one of the first to try out. I knew she would make it. How did I know? She rented a sumo suit and did a dance performance to "She's a Brick House." She locked down the first spot. Only moments later it was my turn. I had no costume but I had a prop. I thought it might help. It was a cardboard cut out in the form of a person. I told the coaches it was a "cheerleader." I hesitate to say I remember much of what happened during my 60 seconds of fame but you really only need to know 4 things.
1) I brought my sisters Mariah Carey CD with me.
2) I threw the cardboard cheerleader around like a rag doll.
3) I ended my routine with a backflip.
4) I GOT THE JOB!
Was beign the mascot everything I ever dreamed it would be? Sure it was. Did being the Mascot get me any closer to dating my dream girl? NOPE! Did it stop me from trying? Not at all.
One day I decided I would impress Nicole with what I thought was her favorite dessert. A cherry pie. Now at the time, I assumed she would also like a guy that cooked for her. So I ruled out the frozen store-bought option, and went for the impossible. I was going to bake her a pie from scratch. You better believe I rode my bike to Safeway and picked up all the necessary ingredients. I spent a couple hours in the kitchen and Wa-la! I had my masterpiece! It smelled AMAZING! I was so pumped! Who could resist this? By that I mean, who could resist me, after doing this? She couldn't possibly pass me up.
The Dawsons lived about a half mile away and I didn't want to walk that far, so I decided I would ride my bike at a slow speed. I would hold the pie in one hand and use the other hand to steer my bike. I think you know where this is going. I made it all the way to her driveway, but just as I went to steer my bike up the sloped curb, my front tire (that was kinda flat) turned sideways. This caused the back end of the bike to elevate, sending both me, and my homemade masterpiece flying onto the driveway. Well, let me take that back. The pie landed on their bright red mustang, then fell to the driveway.
I WAS DEVESTATED! I remember laying flat on my back on the driveway wondering how this could have happened. I mumbled over and over again, "Why me? Why now?" I spent the next few minutes scraping as much of the pie off their car, and off their driveway as I could, placing it back into the pan. Then I thought, "Ok, so do I go home and just pretend like I didn't even try, or do I milk the sympathy cow for all it's worth." I went the sympathyy route and rang the doorbell hoping Nicole would answer and I could melt her heart with my sob story. Well, it didn't work out quite like I planned. Her mom answered the door and I decided to give her my sob story instead. Thankfully, being one of the nicest people on the planet, she was incredibly sympathetic! She let me wash my hands and clean up the road rash on my arms. However, Nicole never got her fresh cherry pie, and I never got my adolescent dream girl.
The moral of this story??? ALWAYS PUMP UP YOUR BIKE TIRES!!!!
Jun 10, 2011
Sometimes You Gotta Look Back and Laugh
**CAUTION** If you are offended or grossed out by farting you probably won't be a big fan of this story. So don't read it.
As I've mentioned in a couple previous entries, my little brother Russ and I shared a room for quite some time growing up. During that time we found various ways to entertain ourselves. Sometimes we connected a few pieces of flimsy race car track, placed one end under the mattress and tucked the other end into the top drawer of our dresser, allowing the middle of the track to sag down a couple feet. Then we'd each grab a small car, place them on opposite ends of the track, and let them go. They would collide in the middle and more often than not one of the cars would fly off the track. The winning car would move on to the next round. It might sound silly, but to a couple of boys that had to share a room it made for some fun times.
However, not everything we did to entertain ourselves was so harmless. One night, Russ and I were up late laughing about anything and everything. It was just one of those nights. I happened to have a bad case of the farts too. Which had us laughing even harder. I don't know how or why all of the events of that night unfolded but at some point I thought it would be funny to take the lid off of a Snapple bottle and try to “bottle my fart.” So I did it. I remember laughing so hard before and after, I was crying. Russ was too. I placed the Snapple bottle on our dresser and we wondered if it would still smell the next day.
Fast forward to the next morning. My mom came in the room and turned on the light to wake us up. I of course immediately thought of the bottle on the dresser. I said something to my mom like, “Mom you see that glass bottle on the dresser? I don't know what the inside of it smells like but it smells funny. I can't pin point it. It's weird, you should smell it!” I saw Russ duck under his covers, I assume so my mom wouldn't see him trying so hard not to laugh. It took a little more convincing, but eventually my mom took the bottle off the dresser, removed the lid, and took a big whiff. I cannot tell you exactly what she said but I can tell you that Russ and I have spent the last 15 years or so laughing about it!!!!
The moral of the story? If you're gonna fart in a jar, at least keep it to yourself. I still feel bad about conning my mom into smelling it, but DANG was it hilarious!!
As I've mentioned in a couple previous entries, my little brother Russ and I shared a room for quite some time growing up. During that time we found various ways to entertain ourselves. Sometimes we connected a few pieces of flimsy race car track, placed one end under the mattress and tucked the other end into the top drawer of our dresser, allowing the middle of the track to sag down a couple feet. Then we'd each grab a small car, place them on opposite ends of the track, and let them go. They would collide in the middle and more often than not one of the cars would fly off the track. The winning car would move on to the next round. It might sound silly, but to a couple of boys that had to share a room it made for some fun times.
However, not everything we did to entertain ourselves was so harmless. One night, Russ and I were up late laughing about anything and everything. It was just one of those nights. I happened to have a bad case of the farts too. Which had us laughing even harder. I don't know how or why all of the events of that night unfolded but at some point I thought it would be funny to take the lid off of a Snapple bottle and try to “bottle my fart.” So I did it. I remember laughing so hard before and after, I was crying. Russ was too. I placed the Snapple bottle on our dresser and we wondered if it would still smell the next day.
Fast forward to the next morning. My mom came in the room and turned on the light to wake us up. I of course immediately thought of the bottle on the dresser. I said something to my mom like, “Mom you see that glass bottle on the dresser? I don't know what the inside of it smells like but it smells funny. I can't pin point it. It's weird, you should smell it!” I saw Russ duck under his covers, I assume so my mom wouldn't see him trying so hard not to laugh. It took a little more convincing, but eventually my mom took the bottle off the dresser, removed the lid, and took a big whiff. I cannot tell you exactly what she said but I can tell you that Russ and I have spent the last 15 years or so laughing about it!!!!
The moral of the story? If you're gonna fart in a jar, at least keep it to yourself. I still feel bad about conning my mom into smelling it, but DANG was it hilarious!!
Jun 3, 2011
I Should Really Pay Attention...
A number of years ago I would occasionally baby sit Andy and Kurt Haws. Far from a monumental tasks, as Andy spent most of his time watching tv and Kurt shared his time between playing with Andy, and playing with Barbies. Never did understand the latter half of that.
On one particular Friday night, Lindy Haws, the mother in the family, was running through the typical pre-babysitting routine while I sat at the kitchen table paying little to no attention to what she was saying. I figured it was the same thing she always said just before she and her husband took off for the night. Something like, "Ok, Scott, here's some phone numbers in case there's an emergency, here's where we're gonna be, we should be home around 11, yada yada yada, make yourself at home and eat anything you can find, yada yada yada. I don't remember hearing anyting out of the ordinary on that night.
So fast forward a couple hours, Kurt and Andy are both asleep, and I'm developing a SERIOUS case of the munchies. So I wandered into the kitchen, rummaged through the pantry, opened and closed the fridge like 15 times, and finally decided I'd indulge myself in the red velvet cake that was resting on the stove top. It was practically beckoning to me to have a taste. So I did just that. Only I had more than a taste. I ate like half the cake. It was DIVINE! Beyond it's magnificent taste however, I didn't think much about what I'd just done.
Fast forward about a month. I'm beginning to wonder why Lindy hasn't asked me to babysit again. It's Sunday and I see Andy in the hallway at church. I asked him if they got a new babysitter and he told me yes, but I don't remember if I knew who it was or not. In fact I don't remember much of our conversation other than being told one vital piece of information. His mom was really upset that I ate the cake. Apparently it was for something special and during her typical routine before leaving, I'd missed the "Don't eat the cake on the stove top" memo.
Whoops... My bad!
On one particular Friday night, Lindy Haws, the mother in the family, was running through the typical pre-babysitting routine while I sat at the kitchen table paying little to no attention to what she was saying. I figured it was the same thing she always said just before she and her husband took off for the night. Something like, "Ok, Scott, here's some phone numbers in case there's an emergency, here's where we're gonna be, we should be home around 11, yada yada yada, make yourself at home and eat anything you can find, yada yada yada. I don't remember hearing anyting out of the ordinary on that night.
So fast forward a couple hours, Kurt and Andy are both asleep, and I'm developing a SERIOUS case of the munchies. So I wandered into the kitchen, rummaged through the pantry, opened and closed the fridge like 15 times, and finally decided I'd indulge myself in the red velvet cake that was resting on the stove top. It was practically beckoning to me to have a taste. So I did just that. Only I had more than a taste. I ate like half the cake. It was DIVINE! Beyond it's magnificent taste however, I didn't think much about what I'd just done.
Fast forward about a month. I'm beginning to wonder why Lindy hasn't asked me to babysit again. It's Sunday and I see Andy in the hallway at church. I asked him if they got a new babysitter and he told me yes, but I don't remember if I knew who it was or not. In fact I don't remember much of our conversation other than being told one vital piece of information. His mom was really upset that I ate the cake. Apparently it was for something special and during her typical routine before leaving, I'd missed the "Don't eat the cake on the stove top" memo.
Whoops... My bad!
Jun 2, 2011
"Look bro... I'm Sorry..."
The following story took place during my church mission to southern Georgia. More specifically it took place just before Christmas in 2004, inside of a Dairy Queen, on the outskirts of a small town called Gray.
Me and my companion, Elder Crookston, were riding our bikes home down highway 20 around 9 pm when we decided to make a pit stop at Dairy Queen. The pit stop wasn't for food though. You see Crookston had to drop the deuce and decided he couldn't wait 5 minutes til we got home. So we locked up our bikes up, took off our nerdy helmets and went inside. Seeing as how I didn't even need to go to the bathroom perhaps I should've avoided the area completely, but I decided I'd just go in and wash my hands.
Now you'll have to do your best to visualize this but the bathroom was set up (from left to right) sink, urinal, stall. Crookston was already in the stall reeking things up by the time I walked in to wash my hands. Well, no sooner had I turned on the sink than the door to the bathroom opens, and in walks, or should I say stumbles, a very large, very drunk, and very scary looking man. I didn't think much of it other than he was twice my size, I could smell the alcohol on him, and he looked like he was ready to kill somebody. So I guess just the obvious. haha.
So the drunk guy starts to take a leak at the urinal just to the right of the sink I'm standing at, and just to the left of the stall my companion is sitting in. Just keep that in mind. When I was done washing my hands I began looking at the paper towel dispensener attempting to figure out how to ACTUALLY get paper towells to come out of it. Then I noticed a sign that said "Wave hand in front of sensor to dispense paper towels." This was the first time I'd seen one of these things. So I did what the sign told me to do and began shaking both my hands in front of what I thought was the sensor. Suddenly, a paper towel roll began to emerge from the bottom of the dispenser about a foot at a time. I'm not gonna lie, I was fascinated.
I continued to shake my hands back and forth until I had about 4 feet of paper towels to work with. Then, just as I tore off the last strip, the drunk guy standing just a couple feet to my right screams out, "Hey, what the hell's your problem man?" This was the remainder of our conversation as I started drying my hands with a rather confused look on my face...
Me: "Uhmmm nothing, just drying my hands."
Drunk Man: "No you're not!"
Me: "I don't understand, yes I am."
Drunk man: "You're F*&#@* % throwing water on me!"
Me: (Pausing for a moment to try and figure out what he's talking about) "When did I throw water on you?)
Drunk Man: (Still taking a leak just a few feet away) "Don't play stupid, m***** f*****, you just threw water all over my face!"
I paused yet again and then suddenly realized that while shaking my hands back and forth in front of the paper towel dispenser I had accidentally flicked water on his face. The conversation continued as follows...
Me: (Sort of chuckling) "Oh wow! Man, I'm sorry, I was just trying to get the paper towels to come out, I didn't even know I was getting water on you. That's my bad."
Drunk man: "It ain't funny B****! Don't laugh!"
Me: (Now getting a little bit nervous and a little bit angry at the same time) "Look Bro, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to do it. Just relax!"
Drunk Man: "Why you still laughing?"
Me: (Now leaning more towards the angry side) "I'm not laughing!"
Drunk man: "You think it's funny?"
Me: "Not at all!"
Drunk Man: "How'd you like it if I just turned around right now and started pissing all over your shoes?! You wouldn't be laughing so hard then would you?!"
Me: "Bro, I'm not laughing anymore, and I already apologized. It was an accident! You need to calm down!"
Drunk Man: "Ya well F*** you!"
At this point I'm thinking, man I'd love to knock this drunk punk out, leave him laying in the bathroom, and tell a Dairy Queen employee he passed out. But considering I was sporting a missionary name tag I concluded that it probably wasn't the best "career move." So instead I walked out into the hallway, stood against the wall, and waited for Elder Crookston to finish taking a dump. Then, almost immediately, I thought to myself, "Wow, Elder Crookston heard that entire conversation but couldn't see a thing because he was inside the stall." hahaha. I started laughing out loud to myself thinking of how awkward all of that must have sounded to him. Well about a minute later Crookston walked out with a confused look on his face, and a few feet behind him was the drunk guy. The drunk guy nudged Elder Crookston out of the way and walked quickly past both of us, staring me down the whole way, before exiting out the front doors.
Crookston promptly asked me, "What in the world was that all about?" I responded, "I don't know man. I accidentally flicked water on the guy and next thing I know he's cussing up a storm and he wants to fight me!" Crookston started laughing and said, "Man, I was sitting there going taking a dump thinking to myself, geez if Sorensen gets in a fight he's on his own, I'm a little pre-occupied." We both started busting up laughing as we walked outside, unlocked our bikes, and started the short ride home.
The moral of this story??? When using a motion activated paper towel dispenser, do your best to make sure the people within "water flicking" distance are sober/and or not ready to fight you!
The End!
Me and my companion, Elder Crookston, were riding our bikes home down highway 20 around 9 pm when we decided to make a pit stop at Dairy Queen. The pit stop wasn't for food though. You see Crookston had to drop the deuce and decided he couldn't wait 5 minutes til we got home. So we locked up our bikes up, took off our nerdy helmets and went inside. Seeing as how I didn't even need to go to the bathroom perhaps I should've avoided the area completely, but I decided I'd just go in and wash my hands.
Now you'll have to do your best to visualize this but the bathroom was set up (from left to right) sink, urinal, stall. Crookston was already in the stall reeking things up by the time I walked in to wash my hands. Well, no sooner had I turned on the sink than the door to the bathroom opens, and in walks, or should I say stumbles, a very large, very drunk, and very scary looking man. I didn't think much of it other than he was twice my size, I could smell the alcohol on him, and he looked like he was ready to kill somebody. So I guess just the obvious. haha.
So the drunk guy starts to take a leak at the urinal just to the right of the sink I'm standing at, and just to the left of the stall my companion is sitting in. Just keep that in mind. When I was done washing my hands I began looking at the paper towel dispensener attempting to figure out how to ACTUALLY get paper towells to come out of it. Then I noticed a sign that said "Wave hand in front of sensor to dispense paper towels." This was the first time I'd seen one of these things. So I did what the sign told me to do and began shaking both my hands in front of what I thought was the sensor. Suddenly, a paper towel roll began to emerge from the bottom of the dispenser about a foot at a time. I'm not gonna lie, I was fascinated.
I continued to shake my hands back and forth until I had about 4 feet of paper towels to work with. Then, just as I tore off the last strip, the drunk guy standing just a couple feet to my right screams out, "Hey, what the hell's your problem man?" This was the remainder of our conversation as I started drying my hands with a rather confused look on my face...
Me: "Uhmmm nothing, just drying my hands."
Drunk Man: "No you're not!"
Me: "I don't understand, yes I am."
Drunk man: "You're F*&#@* % throwing water on me!"
Me: (Pausing for a moment to try and figure out what he's talking about) "When did I throw water on you?)
Drunk Man: (Still taking a leak just a few feet away) "Don't play stupid, m***** f*****, you just threw water all over my face!"
I paused yet again and then suddenly realized that while shaking my hands back and forth in front of the paper towel dispenser I had accidentally flicked water on his face. The conversation continued as follows...
Me: (Sort of chuckling) "Oh wow! Man, I'm sorry, I was just trying to get the paper towels to come out, I didn't even know I was getting water on you. That's my bad."
Drunk man: "It ain't funny B****! Don't laugh!"
Me: (Now getting a little bit nervous and a little bit angry at the same time) "Look Bro, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to do it. Just relax!"
Drunk Man: "Why you still laughing?"
Me: (Now leaning more towards the angry side) "I'm not laughing!"
Drunk man: "You think it's funny?"
Me: "Not at all!"
Drunk Man: "How'd you like it if I just turned around right now and started pissing all over your shoes?! You wouldn't be laughing so hard then would you?!"
Me: "Bro, I'm not laughing anymore, and I already apologized. It was an accident! You need to calm down!"
Drunk Man: "Ya well F*** you!"
At this point I'm thinking, man I'd love to knock this drunk punk out, leave him laying in the bathroom, and tell a Dairy Queen employee he passed out. But considering I was sporting a missionary name tag I concluded that it probably wasn't the best "career move." So instead I walked out into the hallway, stood against the wall, and waited for Elder Crookston to finish taking a dump. Then, almost immediately, I thought to myself, "Wow, Elder Crookston heard that entire conversation but couldn't see a thing because he was inside the stall." hahaha. I started laughing out loud to myself thinking of how awkward all of that must have sounded to him. Well about a minute later Crookston walked out with a confused look on his face, and a few feet behind him was the drunk guy. The drunk guy nudged Elder Crookston out of the way and walked quickly past both of us, staring me down the whole way, before exiting out the front doors.
Crookston promptly asked me, "What in the world was that all about?" I responded, "I don't know man. I accidentally flicked water on the guy and next thing I know he's cussing up a storm and he wants to fight me!" Crookston started laughing and said, "Man, I was sitting there going taking a dump thinking to myself, geez if Sorensen gets in a fight he's on his own, I'm a little pre-occupied." We both started busting up laughing as we walked outside, unlocked our bikes, and started the short ride home.
The moral of this story??? When using a motion activated paper towel dispenser, do your best to make sure the people within "water flicking" distance are sober/and or not ready to fight you!
The End!
May 29, 2011
"The number you have dialed...."
About 5 years ago I met a girl named Julie online. By the way, the only thing worse than meeting a girl online is more specifically, meeting a girl on MYSPACE! However, before you let out a "pfff, well what were you doing on myspace you pervert," let's remember that 5 years ago it was FAR more popular for a kid my age to use myspace than facebook. Especially as a means of meeting women. Also, to my credit, I didn't find her randomly, we were "virtually" introduced through a common friend.
Julie and I exchanged a few witty e-mails before I figuretively "grew a pair" and finally asked her for her phone number. Following the acquisition of her digits we indulged in a plethora of "get to know you" phone conversations. I learned that she worked at a dental office, went to school part time, loved to dance, and enjoyed country music. I also enjoy country music, and on top of having similar taste in music we had similar taste in humor. We laughed at each other, with each over, and about each other. In short, I was both willing and excited to drive the 45 minutes across town for our first date.
We kept it simple. We went out to eat, got ice cream, and then hung out at her house where we had mindless conversation. We laughed til our stomach's hurt, and then laughed some more. Our second date was only a couple days later, and we decided to get out of town. We drove North about an hour for some cooler weather and some quality campfire coversation. I was diggin this girl! She was cute, she was funny, and as far as I could tell she thought the same of me. She called me almost every day. At the end of our 3rd date she told me she couldn't wait to go out again. At the end of our fourth date, which was on a Friday, she told me she had a blast and could hardly wait for me to come to her house on Sunday night to play games with her family. She gave me one of those "extra long" hugs and we called it a night.
Fast forward less than 24 hours. It was saturday afternoon and I tried calling her to find out exactly when she wanted me to come over the next day for games. She didn't answer so I left her a voicemail. It was not returned. Sunday morning before church I sent her a text that said something like, "Hey Julie what time are we playing games at your house tonight?" I never got a response. I was perplexed, but I didn't let it bother me. I assumed something had come up or she was really busy. I waited until Tuesday to try and contact her again. Tuesday night I called her again. No answer. I left her a voicemail that said something like, "Hey Julie just wondering how you're doin, gimme a call back when ya got the chance. Hope all is well. Take it easy." I never heard back!
So let's break this down. We'd been on 4 really fun dates, the last ending in her VOLUNTARILY telling me not only how much fun she had that night, but also how excited she was for me to come over just 2 nights later. Over the next 5 days I left her 2 voicemails and sent her one text message, and also left her a simple "what's new" comment on her myspace. I wasn't exhibiting stalker-esque behavior, calling and texting her multiple times a day. I was simply behaving like someone who'd had an absolute blast, on 4 seperate occasions, with a girl that was constantly telling me how much fun she was having.
The rest of the following week I vented about her sudden "disappearence" to a couple of my buddies and some of them suggested calling her one more time and if she didn't pick up, ask her why she's ignoring me in the voicemail. So I called her, but I never got the chance to leave a voicemail. All I heard when I dialed her number was, "The number you have dialed is not accepting calls at this time." I thought that was rather strange so I waited a few hours and tried again. Same thing.
That night while hanging out at the Dawson family's house I was ranting yet again about Julie's shady behavior when the thought dawned on me.... "Wait, what if she blocked my number?" I ran the possibility by a few of the Dawson boys and we decided that we'd try calling her using one of their phone's and see what happened. Brandon got his phone out and dialed her number. It rang. Nobody answered, and it went to voicemail. I'm thinking at this point, "What the gay? How come it doesn't ring when I try calling her?!?!" So I tried again, and sure enough, the same message.
Julie straight up blocked my number! So let's review... one more time... for kicks and giggles... The last physical gesture between us was a great big hug, initiated BY HER! The last words spoken to me, by her, were "Scott I'm so excited for you to come over and play games with my family on Sunday!" After that... NOTHING! No phone calls, no text messages, and worst of all, no explanation as to WHY?????
Moments like these make me wish I had that "special gift!"
Julie and I exchanged a few witty e-mails before I figuretively "grew a pair" and finally asked her for her phone number. Following the acquisition of her digits we indulged in a plethora of "get to know you" phone conversations. I learned that she worked at a dental office, went to school part time, loved to dance, and enjoyed country music. I also enjoy country music, and on top of having similar taste in music we had similar taste in humor. We laughed at each other, with each over, and about each other. In short, I was both willing and excited to drive the 45 minutes across town for our first date.
We kept it simple. We went out to eat, got ice cream, and then hung out at her house where we had mindless conversation. We laughed til our stomach's hurt, and then laughed some more. Our second date was only a couple days later, and we decided to get out of town. We drove North about an hour for some cooler weather and some quality campfire coversation. I was diggin this girl! She was cute, she was funny, and as far as I could tell she thought the same of me. She called me almost every day. At the end of our 3rd date she told me she couldn't wait to go out again. At the end of our fourth date, which was on a Friday, she told me she had a blast and could hardly wait for me to come to her house on Sunday night to play games with her family. She gave me one of those "extra long" hugs and we called it a night.
Fast forward less than 24 hours. It was saturday afternoon and I tried calling her to find out exactly when she wanted me to come over the next day for games. She didn't answer so I left her a voicemail. It was not returned. Sunday morning before church I sent her a text that said something like, "Hey Julie what time are we playing games at your house tonight?" I never got a response. I was perplexed, but I didn't let it bother me. I assumed something had come up or she was really busy. I waited until Tuesday to try and contact her again. Tuesday night I called her again. No answer. I left her a voicemail that said something like, "Hey Julie just wondering how you're doin, gimme a call back when ya got the chance. Hope all is well. Take it easy." I never heard back!
So let's break this down. We'd been on 4 really fun dates, the last ending in her VOLUNTARILY telling me not only how much fun she had that night, but also how excited she was for me to come over just 2 nights later. Over the next 5 days I left her 2 voicemails and sent her one text message, and also left her a simple "what's new" comment on her myspace. I wasn't exhibiting stalker-esque behavior, calling and texting her multiple times a day. I was simply behaving like someone who'd had an absolute blast, on 4 seperate occasions, with a girl that was constantly telling me how much fun she was having.
The rest of the following week I vented about her sudden "disappearence" to a couple of my buddies and some of them suggested calling her one more time and if she didn't pick up, ask her why she's ignoring me in the voicemail. So I called her, but I never got the chance to leave a voicemail. All I heard when I dialed her number was, "The number you have dialed is not accepting calls at this time." I thought that was rather strange so I waited a few hours and tried again. Same thing.
That night while hanging out at the Dawson family's house I was ranting yet again about Julie's shady behavior when the thought dawned on me.... "Wait, what if she blocked my number?" I ran the possibility by a few of the Dawson boys and we decided that we'd try calling her using one of their phone's and see what happened. Brandon got his phone out and dialed her number. It rang. Nobody answered, and it went to voicemail. I'm thinking at this point, "What the gay? How come it doesn't ring when I try calling her?!?!" So I tried again, and sure enough, the same message.
Julie straight up blocked my number! So let's review... one more time... for kicks and giggles... The last physical gesture between us was a great big hug, initiated BY HER! The last words spoken to me, by her, were "Scott I'm so excited for you to come over and play games with my family on Sunday!" After that... NOTHING! No phone calls, no text messages, and worst of all, no explanation as to WHY?????
Moments like these make me wish I had that "special gift!"
Just a GREAT time!
My favorite thing to do when it's over 100 degrees? Head up North for a day in the cool pines! My favorite thing(s) to do when I'm there? Take a nap with the wind as "white noise," shoot guns, and eat dutch oven cherry cobbler by the fire! I'll tell ya what... Life is GREAT when your best friend enjoys the same things you do! :)
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