I Was Once A Con Artist

**Special Note** As I mentioned on facebook I wrote this just like I want it written in my book, so I'd appreciate your opinion on whether or not you think it's "book worthy." Enjoy...


I've recently become infatuated with the T.V. show "American Greed" on CNBC. The majority of the episodes chronicle famous ponzi schemes in which greedy professionals (lawyers, doctors, financial advisers, etc...) scam "unsuspecting" investors out of millions of dollars. Without fail, every episode leaves me shaking my head and practically screaming out loud, "UNBELIEVABLE! How do people fall for this crap???"

Well, just a few hours ago I experienced a serious flare-up of A.D.D. that might not have necessarily answered that question, but it lead me to the subject of today's post. You see, as my mind drifted all over creation - unable to maintain a particular thought pattern for more than a few seconds - I was reminded of a time in my childhood. A time when I unleashed a devastating assault on my classmates. Not a physical assault. Not a verbal assault. But a financial assault on my classmates' lunch money and quite possibly their entire weekly allowances. It will probably leave most of you wondering, as I still do, "How do people fall for that crap?"

Let's venture back... WAY BACK... to the 1994 school year. The OJ trial begins, Richard Nixon's life ends, and Mariah Carey releases her much anticipated Christmas album. Which she so UNcreatively names, "Merry Christmas." Good one Mariah! Meanwhile, I'm a bull cut-havin, handy-down t-shirt-wearin 3rd grader at Arrowhead Elementary. My teacher is Mrs Shea. She looked a little bit like the old lady in Matilda.

None of that was relevant, just thought I'd share. What IS relevant is that in 3rd grade I, like so many others my age, had so few opportunities for financial gain. I mean even back in 3rd grade I performed weekly chores, including yard work, but for what??? The privilege of having my best friend (who I already spent 12 hours a day with anyways) spend a few extra hours with me on a Friday night eating ice cream and watching 3 ninjas before passing out on the family room floor using our arms as pillows??? LAAAAAME DUDE! Hey current and future moms and dads... I'm willing to bet the entire stack of "free taco" coupons I have kicking around in my truck that the average third grader in today's world would GLADLY replace his sleep over privelages with, oh I don't know... 20 bucks?! Even $10! Just give the kid some money so he doesn't end up like me! I'm not bitter... I'm just saying :)

So as I mentioned before I had no source of income in the 3rd grade. So what did I do? Well, first I got lucky. One day while wandering around in my parents closet looking for some Uno cards I stumbled upon an old Crystal Light can. I pulled it out from behind my dads suit coat, and immediately tipped it towards my open palm. I was calmly expecting a secret stash of pink lemonade packets to fall out into my hand. However, much to my surprise, half dollars, and silver dollars began pouring out on to the floor. You've heard the expression, I was like a kid in a candy store? Well, when i found that Crystal Light can, I was more like a kid HEADED STRAIGHT FOR the candy store!

As far as I can recall my first purchase was a box of 72 airheads from Walgreens. It cost like 8 bucks and I'm sure the cashier was thinking, "Where the crap did this little kid get 8 silver dollars from?" Over the next few weeks, when I'd hear the notorious ice cream man jingle, I would bolt inside and head straight for the coat closet. You see I didn't want to arouse suspicion so I'd only take as many coins as I needed and carefully place the container in it's original position. Side note, there were also foreign coins in this stash which thankfully I didn't try to sell and or use during this period. Anyways, I spent basically the remainder of the stash on the ice cream man, who I vividly remember LOVED trading ninja turtle ice cream bars and 2 foot tall otter pops for some rare coinage.

However, as you could expect, my slurry of oversized silver coins eventually ran low. I remember leaving a few in the can for "safety" as if my dad wouldn't notice the other 40+ missing pieces. So what did I do when I ran out of stolen allowance? I got creative. My friends and I were really into collecting baseball and basketball cards. We would beg our parents to buy us the monthly issues of "Beckett" magazine, so we could thumb through it's pages and figure out how much every one of our cards was worth. We would intricately place them 9 at a time, into specifically designed plastic pages that fit so conveniently into 3 ring binders. These 3 ring binders full of cards meant the world to us!

Well, at some point I learned that autographed cards were worth more than... well... more than cards with no autograph. So naturally, while other 3rd graders spent hours after school doing homework, I spent hours in my room, with the door locked, practicing fake autographs. I specifically remember practicing Ryan Sandberg's autograph for HOURS!! Why? Well, because I had Sandberg's 1990 Donruss MVP card! It looked just like this...



I remember thinking not only is Ryan Sandberg a popular player, but this card looks awesome, and I'll bet I could sell it for tons of money if it was autographed! So after a couple days, and what was probably 30 pieces of computer paper, I felt I had perfected his autograph. I carefully removed Sandberg's card from it's precious sleeve and placed it on the outside of my binder. I only had one shot at this because I only had one of his MVP cards. I took a black permanent marker from my backpack, pulled the lid off, sniffed it a few times - just kidding - and then scribbled Sandberg's autograph on the front of the card.

BAM! PERFECTION! I stared at my "Rembrandt" for several minutes fantasizing about how much I could sell it for. $10... $20... maybe even $30! There was a spoiled kid that lived around the corner from us named Travis King. He wasn't that into collecting baseball cards but he definitely had money. I apologize for not remembering exactly who I conned into buying my first autographed card, but I definitely sold it, and it was definitely NOT the only one. I sold at least 20 other falsely autographed cards, including a Kirby Puckett MVP card that was identical to the Sandberg. When skeptics would inquire (in a much less mature manner than I will put it) about how a kid living in a town with no baseball team would be able to collect such a fantastic set of John Hancocks, I would let the BS rain down! "Oh my dad travels for work and goes to lots of baseball games and gets players' autographs." "Oh my dad buys them from a magazine, and gives them to me." I mean seriously folks, I was in 3rd grade, throwing sales pitches at kids equally as gullible as I was. I could have told them I found them on the bus and gotten at least a few dollars each. It was a great scam! To be honest with you, I don't know why I ever stopped! Oh wait... Yes I do!

I stopped selling fake autographs when Mortal Kombat II was about to be released for the Super Nintendo and Sega Genesis. Some of you might be wondering, was it worth surrendering my "card game" (all pun intended) for a video game scam? OF COURSE IT WAS! When Mortal Kombat II hit the arcades in 1993 the majority of kids had no idea how to learn individual fighter's "finishing moves," or fatalities, as the game called them. The internet was still up and coming, and video game magazines were not only rare, but they would seldom, if ever, enlighten players on finishing moves until the game was released for home use.

So the following year, with only a few days left before the game hit the shelves, I decided I was going to make up complete finishing moves lists for every fighter, print them out, and sell them at school. The list included button by button instructions on how to complete every player's fatality, babality, and friendship move. Looking back this was such a stupid idea! Not only was it far less lucrative than the cards, as I was selling the 3 page pamphlets for only $1 each, but how did I ever expect to get away with it??? Nay do I crap you, the day after the game was released I had like 5 kids come up to me and be like, "Dude, none of your moves even work. Where did you get them from?" I quickly turned the blame on a "friend of mine who goes to a different school," and made sure to give each victim that asked for it, a full refund!

I wish I could say this is where my days as a dishonest business man ended but there is one other scam I remember, just not as vividly. It was also far less complex. I remember stealing golf balls from the driving range a short bike ride from my house, and selling them for a quarter each at school. The only thing more ridiculous? In an effort to cover up the fact that I stole them I told one very interested, and very gullible kid, that I made them using a special machine that my dad bought. I remember explaining to him that I couldn't tell him exactly how it worked or I would get in trouble, but that 2 of the "ingredients" were paper towels and a special "hardening powder," that only adults could buy. HA HA HA HA! Like I was freakin Macgyver in my garage pumping out golf balls!

Oh to be young again...